The Gamble.

A lot of time has passed. Things around me are changing, for good, maybe. Uncertainty colours everything i see and hear. Doubt and fear cloud my mind.

It's like a coin toss; before it lands to give a verdict, you can imagine the different outcomes of that one little action and try to comprehend the various possibilities that those outcomes can trigger. As so long as it is air borne, you can let your mind run free.

Once it lands, the verdict is decided. There is no turning back.

But while the coin is still in its mid-air flip, while it is still tracing out its trajectory, our minds are locked in this intense struggle with reality, noticing every single flip of the coin, its path, speed, trying very hard to calculate what the result will be, trying to outwit chance itself. The intensity escalates as the coin rises and falls. It peaks just before the coin lands. When the coin ultimately hits the ground, so do our delusions, shattering on impact, leaving us face to face with stark reality that cannot be altered by the mind alone.

Life itself feels like a coin toss. A journey where anything can happen and where every flip and turn accounts to the end result. Ultimately, it doesn't matter if the coin showed heads half way through or tails three seconds before landing. What really matters is the final count, the end point, the last flip of the coin, after which the coin shall remain either heads or tails, forever, until it is picked up and tossed again.

We can often lose ourselves inside the vast spaces of our own minds, lock ourselves in and become mere observers of the world outside, mute and distant, as the rest of the world buzzes past our ears. It is amazing how fragile our minds can be.

I am lost. My synergy with the world has vanished. My mind is my only refuge. I wish to free myself from my own illusions, but there is no time. A single coin rises up in my mind's eye, its every flip echoing through the emptiness of my mindspace, and my mind is at it again.

When nothing happens......

Stuck. Blocked. Sober. Distant. Uncertain. Waiting. 

The perils of a Human Mind.

The world is our playground. We are thrown into it all at once without any kind of manual to make sense of it. So, over time we make our own. We see observe learn and reproduce, and go over this cycle a million times, and each time we do it, we get better at it. Eventually, we begin to sync our world with the world outside. We begin to understand how it works, we begin to learn tricks to survive in it. In other words, we call that growing up. And as we are growing up, we sometimes ask ourselves what is the meaning of life? What am I doing here? and Why am I here? Everytime we ask ourselves these questions, we don't really get an answer. There is a wondering silence which is broken by that little voice in our heads that answers this question for us. Each of us comes up with our answer, and we either find peace or remain disappointed at it. When it is the latter, we ask ourselves again what the meaning of life is and hope to find a better answer.

Some of us spend our entire lives trying to find the answer. It is not that we never find an answer for it, we do, but these answers generally have an expiry date, after which point they just stop making sense and we have to find new ones to replace them. It is important to replace these answers, because like a power source, they keep us running in this gigantic race called Life. They help us cope with the world, so that we are not left behind and forgotten in the abyss of history. After all, we ARE going to die, and if we don't do something that others can remember us by, then even in death we shall be disappointed in ourselves.

Sometimes, what happens is that life keeps throwing inexplicable situations at you, that keep you asking yourself what the meaning of life is just to make sense of what is happening. As usual, you are greeted with a Zen like silence where you come up with your own answer and get through whatever debacle that got you quizzing in the first place.

Sometimes, it is not that easy. Sometimes, even the answer you come up with is not enough. You keep wondering what the meaning of life is and kill yourself trying to find the answer. It gets even more frustrating when you see that others around seem to have found it and are getting on with their lives. Sometimes, we actually kill ourselves. If that happens, you've the found the ultimate answer that brings you peace. But, when you don't have the courage to take that bit of initiative you are left in the same shit hole of a question.

There is one question and a million different answers, each thought up by a different individual. Each one being a figment of our thought. Therefore, one answer cannot be more valid than the other. So there can be never be a true answer.

Now, if there can be no true answer, how have the rest fared better than me and seem to figured out this elusive riddle? So, this means that their answers aren't true, they just believe it is. Then, it ultimately boils down to what we believe is true? Then all this shit and crap we see around us is a consequence of a whole orchestra of belief systems? Then if it is only belief systems, then doesn't that mean that one belief is valid as the other? or that one belief system is no more valid than the other?

So basically, what human beings have fought for, cried for, worked for, and died for is just a figment of our minds? That our worlds are precariously built on systems that originate from our minds which by themselves aren't real. If an alien race were to look at us from outside, would we just look like a bunch of idiots creating so much ruckus over nothing? If so, then who is that mastermind out there who has got us believing otherwise, destroying my peace of mind and having me recite this whole drama because the of various crisis-es I must deal with for existing in a society?

As usual, the Zen like silence ensues. So there is no answer. So if there is no answer, the question must be  invalid too, bringing me to a dead end where I have successfully deconstructed my world.

The only conclusion I can some to is that we Humans are a delusional race, and we shall continue to delude ourselves till we meet our graves and we shall pass on this delusion to our future generations so that they do it too, for generations to come.

I bet some old dude two thousand years ago thought the same thing, and many more after him. That is all.

May science be my escape, until even that is proved invalid. And I pray that it isn't, because that would be the end of us all.

Green paper.

A rich kid is allowed to live for years on end while going to random pubs and hookah cafes, while a kid with no money must sacrifice all and fight for his survival on a daily basis. Where is the equality? Where is the freedom? Money just indulges the egos of those who have it, and kills the opportunities of those who don't. And who does money listen to? To those who have it. Now, I couldn't have said the above words if my parents hadn't provided me with money to sustain myself. Infact, forget saying it, I couldn't even have thought the above it if I wasn't protected by money.

We all admire those who excel in a certain walk of life. We aspire to be like them. But that 'we' is so limited. A boy who doesn't know whether he will get food the next day has no time to sit and wander about inspiration and all the beautiful things in life. No, he must forgo all that and start searching for ways of surviving into the next day.
Look at the amount of life we have sucked out others who weren't as fortunate to be born in to families with money. We can't choose the families we are born into. What if you were born to a family in the slums? Where would you be? What would the world be like to you? What would you see? Blackforest pastries and Baskin Robins ice cream or .......? I can't imagine what it would be like, because even if I push my imagination to its limits, I would still be 'imagining'. The reality of it must be worlds apart.

I don't get our world. I simply don't. We all make a big fuss about corrupt politicians and post it on Facebook with a grand filling that we have done part for the world. We re-share posts about dying cancer patients as if we are giving our own goddamn blood to them. We forward the non corruption movement by praising Anna Hazzare on Facebook. We do all this while sitting in our homes, our comfort zones, where the money earned by our families protect us. Homes, where we sit and slog day in and day out for exams that help us get better jobs; because better jobs mean better pay and better pay means better lives. We continue to chase money only because money indulges and justifies our egos, our lives. If you have money nobody can touch you and everybody respects you. Even if they don't, you don't give a fuck. You have money; happiness will come to you. We continue to care only about ourselves while running this ridiculous charade of giving a shit about the world. We don't, and I can prove it to you.

If I were to just stand up one day and say "Absolve money and the world will be a better place." What would you say? Wouldn't you think I'm barking mad? Wouldn't you laugh at me for saying such a stupid thing? I mean how could I not understand the importance of money, huh? Well, I don't. I don't see what is so holy about this green paper. All I see it do is divide worlds, fuel wars and misery. It doesn't care about the value of human life. After all, how can it? It was created by man. But we all have forgotten that.

What I see is this - If money didn't exist, there would be no poverty. With no poverty so many more people can experience life, learn and contribute to the world. So much more potential will be unlocked. Why should money hinder creativity? Why should money hinder the joy of exploring and learning? Why money should decide the value of my life and yours?

Self preservation is essential to certain extent,, but not when the cost is another person's life.

I see a future where we all will be chasing something more meaningful than money. A future where everyone is given a equal opportunity at life, where you and I don't have to be afraid of each other. A future where we can go beyond self preservation. A future where everyone is in peace not only with each other but with ourselves.

But that is future is still distant from us. A lot of more work needs to be done to get there, but everything must start somewhere.

If you have read till here, I acknowledge you for indulging my thoughts. If you see sense in what I see, let me know, and if you don't, let me know. The world is ours. If we don't speak up, who will?

Ignorant slumber.

I dream. I dream of worlds that are so wonderful that nobody would say No to living in them. I dream of times when life makes sense. I dream of times when you and I can share life. I dream, as the real world passes me by. I am a dreamer, and I cannot live without dreaming.

Am I wrong to want to something that I may never have? Is it wrong to wonder where I would be if Time had played a different hand? It doesn't matter, I can only wonder. 

Why am I here? Why are you here? Why does the universe exist? Why? Only I know how times I have lost myself in this abyss of a question. Why? There is no answer. Why? There is still no answer. Only silence answers me. Why? "Because, It is just so." - says the little voice in my head. I must settle for it, after all, it is the only answer I have. 

My mind knows no rest. Questions plague my every breath, resulting in turmoil that threatens my existence, my life and me. I know no peace; and it is the only thing I seek. 

I am a dreamer. No reality will ever suffice. I am doomed. Cursed and confined to this body and mind, until death do us apart, and I shall dream no more, breath no more. Is that all I am, an insignificant prick in the grand scheme of things?

Have I been dreaming for so long that I have dreamt my end too? 

I don't know. I am a dreamer and that is all I know. 

I shall dream, until my world and my dreams become one, in time and space. 

The Cake is a Lie

Another year is passing. Another December is ending. Another January is coming. Another New Year is coming. The world will celebrate and dance again. Another year is coming.

The world shall say goodbye to many a thing, pay tribute and revel in the passage of time. 

The world shall anticipate the future, the coming year and all the miracles it holds. Miracles? Sorry, I meant Wonders. We have thousands of those and will continue to have many more. But, miracles? Maybe not. 

The dictionary defines Miracle as a fortunate outcome that prevails despite overwhelming odds. Have you ever witnessed a miracle yourself? I have not. I have seen people master physics and history for tests that I could never the fathom the energy for. I have seen people deal with the harshness of life and come out of it triumphant. I have seen people become extraordinary leaders. So many Wonders, yet, no miracles. 

In a world where 'dog eat dog' is an understatement, we are lost behind so many identities that separate us such that we never truly connect and share our worlds. After all, what's the difference between two minds if not their identities? Strip that away, and you and me are the same. It is quite scary actually, and maybe from that context it is good to have an identity, to differentiate you from me, but that doesn't mean we overdo it. We don't realize that at the same time as uniting people, identities separate us, in a manner that can never be undone unless we let go of them. 

We walk through crowded streets, drive in thick traffic and travel in public transport, passing other people, who are like us, living their lives like they are supposed to or how they know to. We rush past each other. So many people, yet we never stop and wonder, even for a moment, about the the person who just passed us and how their life might be.

There are more than a billion people on this planet and we see more than a hundred everyday. Imagine our one life multiplied by that figure. Those many lives are being lived out at the same time. That many humans who feel, perceive and behave like you and I do. All of us wired are the same way, we only differ because we've been thrown into different situations. But, we are essentially humans who feel, think and react the same way.

The world comprises of people and not governments, countries and systems. Systems have a way of turning people into machinery. Machinery that will continue to grind until it wears out, and then another will take its place. Governments and schools are manufacturing machinery by feeding us with what they deem necessary. We all have a manufacturing date.

How is one human's view greater than another's?

How do we respect free will and choice if we have already set the standards for life? How can we have compassion if are always competing against each other? How can trust each other when all we care about is ourselves?

How can we live in a world where we are weary of the very people around us?

How can we have freedom of expression when we give aesthetics more importance?

How can we claim to be a free country when money is the only thing that can buy more 'living time' on this planet? How are we respecting life by giving it a price tag?

Where is the humanity in branding one man's life worth more than another's?

We have inherited this planet from our older generations. We have inherited all the good, the bad and the ugly. Who knows what we will make of it? But whatever we do, we will be passing it on to the next generation. How and what we pass on will decide their future. And the Future is something we all are crazy about.  

How our future turns out is up to us. If there is even slightest chance I will fight for it. This my planet too. I would like to live in a world where people are more connected on a personal level than where I am a slave of a system that has lost its morality on its the road to salvation.

The cake is a lie. We have to stop chasing it and live in the now, the place where life actually happens, the place where miracles are witnessed. The place where you and I are. The place where everything in the universe is.  

Free Falling

I'm free falling. Trapped in a downward journey, as people's faces zoom by like passing floors - there is nothing   I can do, but watch silently. The bottom is coming. I know it's coming. I have seen it in my mind over a thousand times. The impact is coming, but it is not here yet. Heh. I still have time to run it over a few more times. I can still hope for an escape, even though there isn't one. I'm in for it this time. I know it. But, I have time.

Why am I here? I could tell you how I got here. I know how I got here. I took a leap. A leap of faith, but a fool's faith. Rule of Gravity applies to everyone, even to fools with dreamy wings.

Why do we fools find ourselves leaping off giant buildings that symbolize systems of the state, that preach and manufacture correct citizens? What about do those fools who see nature through a different eye? Nobody knows. Nobody is around to see what happens to them. We try to stick around and make a stand, but when no one pays us any attention, we either vanish or disappear into the crowd. We are not winners. We cannot stand alone against your systems and your rules of gravity. Nevertheless, I'm here - free falling, as you watch through your window of safety (which you have rightfully earned for yourself). What's the difference between you and me? I'm falling, you're not? Maybe not the only difference, but none other matter as much. Oh, the brutality of randomness, time and life. On top of it I must follow systems that do not make sense to me. Why can't I experience life from moment to moment, exploring each moment as I go on? Why must I choose between good and bad, when only one choice is acceptable? Why must either of them exist?
Human beings are not violent by nature. We have the potential to be violent; but we are not pre-disposed to violence. We learn violence, just like we learn to be well behaved.

"Humans want more power!" - Not if you were abused by it and therefore realized that gaining power is only way to stop the pain. If an infant never learns a concept called Power, he can never use it. Good cannot be enforced without first creating the consequence of not being good - which is Bad, and therefore by itself creates a concept which the mind can understand and use. We all know this - Man can only manipulate what he understands.

Instead we waste our time looking at actions. Actions cannot define a person. Situations define a person. The urge to survive defines a person. Our reactions to these situations will come from what we have perceived, processed and re-formulated. If a person has experienced violence, then he has that bit of information imprinted in his brain which can be accessed at any time. Now combine this with free will. You have a choice. In a choice, things can go either way and that's the beauty of it.

You can't kill choice. If you are going to kill choice, why create it in the first place. It is too late to kill choice anyway. Humanity's future is dependent on choice. Let's embrace it.

This is just my plea to you, as I plummet towards inevitability. I know I am just a passing blur in your window to the world, but you are part of the last few glimpses I will ever experience before the end. My time is over. I must experience one last touch of reality before I am free forever from this prison of mind, body and soul. I will return to the birth of everything, the birth of me - to Nothing.

I see now. This is my escape. I am free from the world, you and me.