The Gamble.

A lot of time has passed. Things around me are changing, for good, maybe. Uncertainty colours everything i see and hear. Doubt and fear cloud my mind.

It's like a coin toss; before it lands to give a verdict, you can imagine the different outcomes of that one little action and try to comprehend the various possibilities that those outcomes can trigger. As so long as it is air borne, you can let your mind run free.

Once it lands, the verdict is decided. There is no turning back.

But while the coin is still in its mid-air flip, while it is still tracing out its trajectory, our minds are locked in this intense struggle with reality, noticing every single flip of the coin, its path, speed, trying very hard to calculate what the result will be, trying to outwit chance itself. The intensity escalates as the coin rises and falls. It peaks just before the coin lands. When the coin ultimately hits the ground, so do our delusions, shattering on impact, leaving us face to face with stark reality that cannot be altered by the mind alone.

Life itself feels like a coin toss. A journey where anything can happen and where every flip and turn accounts to the end result. Ultimately, it doesn't matter if the coin showed heads half way through or tails three seconds before landing. What really matters is the final count, the end point, the last flip of the coin, after which the coin shall remain either heads or tails, forever, until it is picked up and tossed again.

We can often lose ourselves inside the vast spaces of our own minds, lock ourselves in and become mere observers of the world outside, mute and distant, as the rest of the world buzzes past our ears. It is amazing how fragile our minds can be.

I am lost. My synergy with the world has vanished. My mind is my only refuge. I wish to free myself from my own illusions, but there is no time. A single coin rises up in my mind's eye, its every flip echoing through the emptiness of my mindspace, and my mind is at it again.