Torment: A lull in the storm.

I know that I generally talk about my life as if it were the worst thing to happen. As if I hate every fiber of my being. I do, but there are moments of brief experiences of pure emotion that emulate a "good life". Brief moments of pure existence accentuated through external stimulus. Stimulus that goes along the lines of talking, watching, being and interacting with other kindled "souls" who are compassionate and empathetic despite their circumstances. It instills something in you. Something that makes you want to live on into the next day, with the assurance that not everything in life is bitter.

They are the moments that lull the stormy torment of my mind. They are the ones that validate meaning in life. They are the ones that make you want to fight for meaning in life.

They are scarce, found in the most unexpected of places, visible only to the seeking eye; which invigorate you with pure emotion, making you feel alive, such that you are left feeling glad that you were alive to witness them. Though I say it with such grandeur, they are not grand, they are not phenomenal. They are simple, pure and touching. The last one being the most important of all.

In my life, these are the moments.....

-Looking at the face of the person I love. The very existence of the person, the meaning that faces invokes in me, makes available a surge of energy, a fire, that enables me to break free from my chains and rise with the occasion. There is no real exchange of energy happening. Just having that face in front of me, what it means to me, creates a feeling so strong and pure that it almost seems real.

-The old lady who comes to clean the building I stay in. She comes everyday, whether it's hot, cold or "sick". She leaves her chappal outside the building. She cleans every floor. She takes out everyone's garbage.
From the first day w met, she never drops an opportunity to have a little chat and to ask how I'm doing, even though our relationship begins and ends on the veranda outside my room; our own spot where we have our little chats. From our "little chats" I've come to learn that her circumstances aren't in any way pleasant. Hell, they are unfair. Yet, I've seen her express only emotions so far - a bright smile that lights up every inch of her face, and tear filled eyes followed by a crackling voice. The later, occurred only twice, when she was weeping for her children. Otherwise, her face is brighter than a sunflower, despite her dark skin tone.
When she comes around, my mind calms down. It forgets about all it's worries, because my mind itself knows they can wait until we've said our goodbyes.

-Standing on the terrace, watching the world zoom by under my feet (or so to speak), unaware of my presence looking down on them. It shows me how big the world really is. Take the number of livings things in the world, multiply it by the number of worlds in each of these minds; that's how big the world really is. Compared to that I am not even a fraction. I'm a decimal. Insignificant by sheer number itself, forget everything else. It tells me I'm not the only lonely one around. There are millions more, and some of them don't even know it. It calms the tides of despair in my head.

The most beautiful things to experience, that are available, are present among us, they are present in us. But, we all have taken human contact and interaction so much for granted that we've forgotten how to appreciate them. Everyone of us, even me. But that is just an after-thought.

These are my moments of peace, strength and tranquility. They are vibrant, strong and generate from within. Nonetheless, they are moments. Random, spaced out, short-lived.

After all, they are just lulls in the storm.

  

Torment: Continued.

It'a all so lonely. So quiet. So distant. So much like a dream. I keep waiting, hoping I'll wake up. I close my eyes, open them again; nothing changes. Everything is the same. I am trapped, or that's how my body feels. My mind cannot go beyond these physical boundaries. It's stuck here forever, in a body of flesh and bones that give  away at the slightest impact. After that, where will it go? Nowhere. It'll end right there.

So, there is no escape. Just a window to look at the world outside, and limbs to navigate it. No purpose. No goal. Just raw existence. Living, breathing, watching. Mute, dead, hollow. Time ticks by, without actually ticking. The end is coming, it's one second closer every time. The end of existence is coming. Only IT knows when.

It will take everything away from me. Everything I know and feel. The world will be gone, but the rest of will still have me, or what's left of me.

So why am I living? Just to die someday, and remain dead forever. I don't really know, but that's the way it seems to be for everyone else. All those who lived and died before us. They are never coming back. My life is no more important than theirs. My beliefs are no more firmer than theirs. My desires are no more stronger than theirs. They all are like me. I am like of all them. We are no different, just separated by time and body. I am no more alone than they were. We all are alone. In our minds, in our thoughts. We live. We die. The rest of it is meaningless. Everything we do, say and hear, holds meaning so long as we live. That's why the dead don't go to schools or attend concerts. Dead people don't react. To them, a dagger piercing their skin is the same as ice cream dripping down their hands. When everything around is the same, there can no meaning, no distinction.

But that's just my mind talking. It loves putting me down. It loves driving me towards insanity. It loves to make me contemplate death.

It maybe because everything around me makes me wish I was never born. 

Torment: Chapter 1.

I haven't really written anything in a while now. Haven't completed anything I have started. My mind is tired. It just wants to rest for a while. It just wants someone to say "It'll all be OK." But nothing really happens.

Blocked. Every new day is a dragging experience, going on until it is replaced by another. "Time is flying". But, nothing is really happening. Every thing is still; stubborn, alien. The air is suffocating my lungs; not setting them free, not letting them die. Time seems still, yet it is flying by. Am I a part of this world or am I trapped inside this mind and body?

Where does my life lead to? Where does it end?...

What am I fighting for?

Why can't I know the answer?

Why....?

There is no answer. Just silence, as always.

WHY?!
...
...
...

Is there even a future...?

There is no answer.
Just silence.
As always. 

The Gamble.

A lot of time has passed. Things around me are changing, for good, maybe. Uncertainty colours everything i see and hear. Doubt and fear cloud my mind.

It's like a coin toss; before it lands to give a verdict, you can imagine the different outcomes of that one little action and try to comprehend the various possibilities that those outcomes can trigger. As so long as it is air borne, you can let your mind run free.

Once it lands, the verdict is decided. There is no turning back.

But while the coin is still in its mid-air flip, while it is still tracing out its trajectory, our minds are locked in this intense struggle with reality, noticing every single flip of the coin, its path, speed, trying very hard to calculate what the result will be, trying to outwit chance itself. The intensity escalates as the coin rises and falls. It peaks just before the coin lands. When the coin ultimately hits the ground, so do our delusions, shattering on impact, leaving us face to face with stark reality that cannot be altered by the mind alone.

Life itself feels like a coin toss. A journey where anything can happen and where every flip and turn accounts to the end result. Ultimately, it doesn't matter if the coin showed heads half way through or tails three seconds before landing. What really matters is the final count, the end point, the last flip of the coin, after which the coin shall remain either heads or tails, forever, until it is picked up and tossed again.

We can often lose ourselves inside the vast spaces of our own minds, lock ourselves in and become mere observers of the world outside, mute and distant, as the rest of the world buzzes past our ears. It is amazing how fragile our minds can be.

I am lost. My synergy with the world has vanished. My mind is my only refuge. I wish to free myself from my own illusions, but there is no time. A single coin rises up in my mind's eye, its every flip echoing through the emptiness of my mindspace, and my mind is at it again.

When nothing happens......

Stuck. Blocked. Sober. Distant. Uncertain. Waiting. 

The perils of a Human Mind.

The world is our playground. We are thrown into it all at once without any kind of manual to make sense of it. So, over time we make our own. We see observe learn and reproduce, and go over this cycle a million times, and each time we do it, we get better at it. Eventually, we begin to sync our world with the world outside. We begin to understand how it works, we begin to learn tricks to survive in it. In other words, we call that growing up. And as we are growing up, we sometimes ask ourselves what is the meaning of life? What am I doing here? and Why am I here? Everytime we ask ourselves these questions, we don't really get an answer. There is a wondering silence which is broken by that little voice in our heads that answers this question for us. Each of us comes up with our answer, and we either find peace or remain disappointed at it. When it is the latter, we ask ourselves again what the meaning of life is and hope to find a better answer.

Some of us spend our entire lives trying to find the answer. It is not that we never find an answer for it, we do, but these answers generally have an expiry date, after which point they just stop making sense and we have to find new ones to replace them. It is important to replace these answers, because like a power source, they keep us running in this gigantic race called Life. They help us cope with the world, so that we are not left behind and forgotten in the abyss of history. After all, we ARE going to die, and if we don't do something that others can remember us by, then even in death we shall be disappointed in ourselves.

Sometimes, what happens is that life keeps throwing inexplicable situations at you, that keep you asking yourself what the meaning of life is just to make sense of what is happening. As usual, you are greeted with a Zen like silence where you come up with your own answer and get through whatever debacle that got you quizzing in the first place.

Sometimes, it is not that easy. Sometimes, even the answer you come up with is not enough. You keep wondering what the meaning of life is and kill yourself trying to find the answer. It gets even more frustrating when you see that others around seem to have found it and are getting on with their lives. Sometimes, we actually kill ourselves. If that happens, you've the found the ultimate answer that brings you peace. But, when you don't have the courage to take that bit of initiative you are left in the same shit hole of a question.

There is one question and a million different answers, each thought up by a different individual. Each one being a figment of our thought. Therefore, one answer cannot be more valid than the other. So there can be never be a true answer.

Now, if there can be no true answer, how have the rest fared better than me and seem to figured out this elusive riddle? So, this means that their answers aren't true, they just believe it is. Then, it ultimately boils down to what we believe is true? Then all this shit and crap we see around us is a consequence of a whole orchestra of belief systems? Then if it is only belief systems, then doesn't that mean that one belief is valid as the other? or that one belief system is no more valid than the other?

So basically, what human beings have fought for, cried for, worked for, and died for is just a figment of our minds? That our worlds are precariously built on systems that originate from our minds which by themselves aren't real. If an alien race were to look at us from outside, would we just look like a bunch of idiots creating so much ruckus over nothing? If so, then who is that mastermind out there who has got us believing otherwise, destroying my peace of mind and having me recite this whole drama because the of various crisis-es I must deal with for existing in a society?

As usual, the Zen like silence ensues. So there is no answer. So if there is no answer, the question must be  invalid too, bringing me to a dead end where I have successfully deconstructed my world.

The only conclusion I can some to is that we Humans are a delusional race, and we shall continue to delude ourselves till we meet our graves and we shall pass on this delusion to our future generations so that they do it too, for generations to come.

I bet some old dude two thousand years ago thought the same thing, and many more after him. That is all.

May science be my escape, until even that is proved invalid. And I pray that it isn't, because that would be the end of us all.

Green paper.

A rich kid is allowed to live for years on end while going to random pubs and hookah cafes, while a kid with no money must sacrifice all and fight for his survival on a daily basis. Where is the equality? Where is the freedom? Money just indulges the egos of those who have it, and kills the opportunities of those who don't. And who does money listen to? To those who have it. Now, I couldn't have said the above words if my parents hadn't provided me with money to sustain myself. Infact, forget saying it, I couldn't even have thought the above it if I wasn't protected by money.

We all admire those who excel in a certain walk of life. We aspire to be like them. But that 'we' is so limited. A boy who doesn't know whether he will get food the next day has no time to sit and wander about inspiration and all the beautiful things in life. No, he must forgo all that and start searching for ways of surviving into the next day.
Look at the amount of life we have sucked out others who weren't as fortunate to be born in to families with money. We can't choose the families we are born into. What if you were born to a family in the slums? Where would you be? What would the world be like to you? What would you see? Blackforest pastries and Baskin Robins ice cream or .......? I can't imagine what it would be like, because even if I push my imagination to its limits, I would still be 'imagining'. The reality of it must be worlds apart.

I don't get our world. I simply don't. We all make a big fuss about corrupt politicians and post it on Facebook with a grand filling that we have done part for the world. We re-share posts about dying cancer patients as if we are giving our own goddamn blood to them. We forward the non corruption movement by praising Anna Hazzare on Facebook. We do all this while sitting in our homes, our comfort zones, where the money earned by our families protect us. Homes, where we sit and slog day in and day out for exams that help us get better jobs; because better jobs mean better pay and better pay means better lives. We continue to chase money only because money indulges and justifies our egos, our lives. If you have money nobody can touch you and everybody respects you. Even if they don't, you don't give a fuck. You have money; happiness will come to you. We continue to care only about ourselves while running this ridiculous charade of giving a shit about the world. We don't, and I can prove it to you.

If I were to just stand up one day and say "Absolve money and the world will be a better place." What would you say? Wouldn't you think I'm barking mad? Wouldn't you laugh at me for saying such a stupid thing? I mean how could I not understand the importance of money, huh? Well, I don't. I don't see what is so holy about this green paper. All I see it do is divide worlds, fuel wars and misery. It doesn't care about the value of human life. After all, how can it? It was created by man. But we all have forgotten that.

What I see is this - If money didn't exist, there would be no poverty. With no poverty so many more people can experience life, learn and contribute to the world. So much more potential will be unlocked. Why should money hinder creativity? Why should money hinder the joy of exploring and learning? Why money should decide the value of my life and yours?

Self preservation is essential to certain extent,, but not when the cost is another person's life.

I see a future where we all will be chasing something more meaningful than money. A future where everyone is given a equal opportunity at life, where you and I don't have to be afraid of each other. A future where we can go beyond self preservation. A future where everyone is in peace not only with each other but with ourselves.

But that is future is still distant from us. A lot of more work needs to be done to get there, but everything must start somewhere.

If you have read till here, I acknowledge you for indulging my thoughts. If you see sense in what I see, let me know, and if you don't, let me know. The world is ours. If we don't speak up, who will?